Kids, schmids. My thoughts on procreation.

**disclaimer: I think having children is one of the greatest gifts that God gives us. I love kids, I think I'll do ok at being a parent. But I also think that if you don't have kids, then there are many other amazing things that God will show you in life. **

I'm what I would consider 'fashionably late' to the baby phase in life. Really this is only by the standards of comparison, but it's hard not to compare when so many people around you have kids. Let me say this to those people in my life who have children, I ADMIRE you. You are unselfish, strong, loving people. I don't know how you do it. It is probably this admiration that fuels many of my fears as I don't think I could measure up. Hats off to parents everywhere! For those of us who haven't gone down the parenthood road yet, are toying with the idea of that journey, are having troubles in the fertility area, or have decided against kids, I admire you as well. 

I have always known that my opinion/view on family and children is different from the majority. I'm down with that. I often have opinions and or behaviors that strike others as odd or unusual. I don't expect people to understand my opinion, just like I don't understand other people sometimes. And as my faith has increased, I've come to terms with these beliefs. I no longer feel like what I believe is wrong. So if those of you who are thinking about having kids but have concerns or doubts, you aren't alone! I'm right there with ya! 

Have you ever shook your head while thinking about the world we live in? I do it at least once a day. I have a hard enough time trying to navigate the world as an adult, so I can't quite fathom trying to raise kids amidst the chaos. And that's what has contributed(over time) to the following list of beliefs and opinions.....

1. I've truthfully never had the strong desire to have biological children. It is my very core belief as an adoptee that there are many ways to 'have' children. (I could elaborate, but that is a different topic for another day) 

2. Pregnancy scares the BAJEEZUS out of me. Seriously. I'm scurred. I do not envision myself with a pregnant glow, I see a sumo shaped sweaty mess. 

3. I know that M wants biological kids. I knew this when I married him and I love him more than enough to try the biological route just like he loves me enough to be open to the adoption route. 

4. Children are not the end all be all for me to feel complete.  

5. I love my freedom. I can pick up and go when I want, I can splurge on myself financially, I can just sit at home in silence and unwind if I desire. 

I realize that these are all selfish beliefs, perhaps brought on by fear of the unknown. But that's just it. I'm ok with admitting to my selfishness. I have a selfish nature because I'm human and I accept that and am happy to just try to be a little less selfish everyday. 

Maybe that's what this journey is about. Learning to be less selfish and more courageous when it comes to other human beings. Who knows? Ultimately it's a part of a plan that was already decided. And that's what makes it so amazing. No matter what happens, it is what it is. 

To sum it up? I'm thankful that I have these beliefs because it allows me less stress and worry during this difficult time. I wish this peace for everyone but especially those who are going thru fertility/pregnancy difficulties. 

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." 

Romans 5:3-5 

Leaving it all out there

'Being a good steward of your pain...It involves being alive to your life. It involves taking the risk of being open, of reaching out, of keeping in touch with the pain as well as the joy of what happens because at no time more than at a painful time do we live out of the depths of who we are instead of out of the shallows.' Frederick Buechner from The Clown in the Belfry

Heavy.....:) When we first decided we were ready to have children(I use ready loosely, as there is no way to prepare for this life altering event), I often thought about how and when we would tell people we were expecting. I had been pretty open about the fact that we were going to wait a year (since tying the knot), however, I wasn't sure how open I wanted to be about the process. I figured we'd get pregnant by the end of 2013 and we'd share right after we exited the first trimester. 

However, my plans hit a snag when we didn't get pregnant right away. This honestly took me by surprise. And because we had already shared our timeline, people were inquiring about how it was going...At this point, I had a choice. I could internalize(which was my instinct) OR I could share my story. So even though it doesn't feel natural to me, I am choosing to share my experience with family and friends and now by leaving an actual 'paper trail' via this post. 

Here is the condensed version of what we've been thru so far without getting too graphic. **any of my dad's reading this blog should probably skip this part.

Aug - Oct

- came off Nuvaring bc in August. Had 3 regular 'mensies'

-using ovulation predictor kits(opk's), 3 diff brands(Target brand, First Response and Clearblue) with positive ovulation indications

Nov

- 1 week after my yearly women's exam in Nov, began experiencing an irregular period

- blood test indicates no ovulation (progesterone level was around 5) which is why my doc thinks the 'never ending' period began

Dec

- got on lo loestrin to combat the flo

- took Premarin (in addition to the lo loestrin) in hopes of stopping the irregular bleeding 

- started taking double the dose of Premarin (per docs orders) this was short lived bc I did NOT like the way the Premarin made me feel so I stopped on my own accord 

Jan

- advised to stop taking lo loestrin and begin Ovulation stimulation meds

- 1st round of Clomid(50 mg). Main symptom is blurry vision and irritability

- still having irregular bleeding

- 3 opk sticks(various brands) indicate ovulation

- very faint positive pregnancy test

- blood test indicates no ovulation

- 2 additional tests show negative pregnancy results

Feb

- day 30 mensie

- round 2 of Clomid(50 mg)

- blood test indicates no ovulation

- no opk's or pregnancy tests used

Mar

-  wait for period to arrive(hopefully in a timely and short manner, day 28 is this Fri) 

- begin a round of Femara. (One of my besties who happens to be an ob/gyn recommended trying the switch before going up to 100mg of Clomid. The higher dose can cause your uterine lining to thin out, making implantation more difficult. Don't want to trade one issue for another, so I'm making the switch.)

So the point of this blog and to bring a looooong story short is to say this, we have hit a small road block in the fertility department and this is where we are currently at. It's scary to have all our business out on display but it certainly helps to have the support I've had from sharing my story to others and I'm so grateful to all the friends and family that have expressed their well wishes and lifted us up in prayer. I send out similar prayers to those I know who have been fighting this battle longer than we have, my heart is with you. 

All in God's time....

Liz